Good morning Goose. It's been 2 years since you moved to heaven and I miss you every second of every day. It feels like so long since I've held you, or played with your fluffy hairs. You know I would give anything to have your little smooch on my cheek. Or to hear "I love you Moose". The stores are starting the "back to school" bonanza's and I think about the last time we shopped for school clothes. We were at Kohl's and you wanted this black Punisher shirt. They didn't have your size on the rack, so I told you to find a sales person and ask if they had your size in back. You were so grown up speaking to her (not surprising). I let you take the wheel, and you two finally found one in your size. You were going to wear that on the first day of school, along with your new Nike sneakers. You never got to wear either one. I still have the shirt, but the shoes I donated to charity. I know you wouldn't mind another little boy that needed them getting to wear them. The shirt....nope, sorry couldn't do it. The rest of the back to school stuff got donated as well, the stuff that only I picked out. You didn't even see them, there was no sentiment behind them so I didn't mind getting rid of them. I still have all of your clothing that you wore, I just can't do it. I can't go into your room and raid it like a yard sale. I like to go in there and smell the fabric, and hold on to it for just a moment. In that moment, I can picture you wearing whatever I'm holding, and I feel like just for a second I'm holding you. I will keep your stuff as long as I'm breathing. Some might say that's not healthy. I say challenge me. Go ahead. I dare you. All I have left is what is in your room, and so your room it shall remain. I made that room for you, it's yours. I was never going to turn it into an office or home gym when you went to college, so why am I going to do it now? For me, this is what works. It brings me comfort to just go sit in there, and sometimes play with Legos.
I never wanted this.
I never wanted to be holding a shirt instead of you. I never wanted to be playing without you. No parent wants this.
One thing that scares bereaved parents, is the fact that others will forget their child. I know no adult that knew you will forget you, but I hope your friends will remember you. You all were so young, will they remember you? Will they remember how smart you were? Will they remember how funny you were? Will they remember that above it all you had a heart as big as Earth, and would do anything to make people feel better? I try to think back and I do remember kids from my 5th grade class, thankfully that was back when I still had a memory. Will the same hold true for your friends? I will do what I can while I'm here to make sure your name is said. That your legacy carries on. That your name will not be forgotten.
This whole week has turned into a new tradition of "treat yo self" for me. I allow myself to buy what I want (within reason I'm not rich), eat what I want, and do what I want. I try to do something new and fun and celebrate life this week. I could have done the opposite, but you know me I'm too stubborn to give up. You would want me to live, and apparently have some blue cotton candy lol. Not sure why blue, but ok I'll try it.
I don't know what life has in store for me, I hope you can give me some guidance sometimes. While your job here is physically done, mine isn't and I want to make each day count. "To making it count" Lol Jack should have found room on that door. I have taken up running, which I am finding has become therapy. I plug in my tunes, and just run. If I'm angry, happy or sad I can just go. You were supposed to join the track team, I guess Moose is running for you now. I now have to live the life of two people. One for me, and one for you. I want to make you proud, but I also want to be proud of myself. I think so far considering what my 39 years have handed me, I'm doing a pretty good job. I haven't been on the news, and there isn't a viral video of me losing my cool so that's something.
There will always be a Goose sized hole in my heart, but I am learning to live with that. It is not always easy, but I'm doing it. One step at a time. There will always be the waves of despair and crying in anguish. But there are now waves of happiness and enjoying moments in life. It is true, grief is like waves on the ocean, some are huge and knock you over others not so much. Learning to ride them, instead of fighting them, is the only way to survive.