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One Year Later

Good morning Goose! There was just a blue woodpecker outside my bathroom taking nibbles, I'll allow it for now since what he was eating will one day be getting ripped down and replaced. So 2 weeks ago marked 1 year since you "graduated" into heaven. I decided to go away, and go to a place you and I had never been. Looking back, that was the smartest thing I could have done. I didn't want to wake up in this house on that day. I know, you said "don't live by the calendar, days are just days" but still to be smart I decided this was best. I actually handled the week better than I thought I would, had a few meltdowns but nothing too crazy. You were around me everywhere, which was super helpful so thank you. I went zip-lining off a mountain, it was very cool. I'm sure you and Grandpa weren't super excited about that, but as you saw it was fine.

My biggest problem is that I miss you. I'm sad about the whole thing in general of course, but what makes my heart ache is how much I miss you. There is almost nothing in my life, that didn't have you in it. Work, home, play, music, shopping, everything. So I see you everywhere, which kills me because you aren't there (not that I can see I mean). You and I had/have a relationship that many parents envy. I'm not gonna lie, that feels pretty good. Being your Mom felt like the most natural thing in the world. It was never too difficult, or too much. I never said "I can't wait for school to start". Nope, I wanted you around me as much as possible. It's strange how looking back things I felt your whole earth life, now make sense to me. I always felt I had to hold on to you with a kung-fu ninja grip. Instinctively I felt like I needed to hold you insanely close, because you were going to be taken from me. It was my ingrained deepest fear. I'm not talking about "worrying about your kid", no I mean nauseous-anxiety-filled fear that you would be taken. I guess somewhere in my mind I knew what we had talked about in our last life together. Something else I always felt, and even told you on several occasions, was that I felt like you were my protector in a past life. Your level of empathy was not that of a child. Not to mention, we all knew you are an old soul. When you "graduated" I thought to myself, I wonder if he had to mourn me ever? Is this life my turn to mourn him? Well all of those things are true. I was recently talking with someone who is gifted, and you came through to her right away (of course, you always do). Not only in your last life did you die an old man (95), but yes you mourned me. You have also been with me my whole life. She was telling me memories of my childhood, that you were showing her. As horrid as this all is having to live the rest of my life here, without you physically, it is beautiful to me to know our bond has lasted through time and space multiple times. That fills my heart with such love, it's indescribable.

I have taken a liking to photography lately. I'm going to be taking a beginner class in October, to learn how to use my real camera. I feel like taking pictures of beautiful or interesting things, reminds me that there is still beauty in the world when I'm feeling very dark. Trust me, it would be very easy to turn to "the dark side" (see what I did there), but I won't. I can't. I am slowly finding my way through this new normal. I am starting a bereavement group locally, for parents that want to have a positive space for healing. I am gearing it towards parents that actually want to heal, that see there is hope. I'm not a therapist and I don't want to be. A peer-group of people that want to heal in a loving way, I think is a great way to honor our kids. I have also decided to decorate for Halloween, or at least try. It has always been my favorite holiday, and I know you said you wanted me to start doing the holidays again so I'm trying that one first. Not decorating, or celebrating isn't going to bring you back. Nothing, is going to bring you back so why fight it? You are everywhere, you've proven it again and again. So I added new flowers to the walkway, I'm trying to fix up our garden. I don't want all of our hard work to be for nothing. You can show your new "superhero" buddies in heaven your Mom yelling at the weeds, and how pretty the yard will look again.

I have good days, and bad days Goose. As time passes the good days do out-number the bad. The bad days, are more like bad parts of a day. I think it helps that I accepted it right away, if I was in shock, I would have to relive that feeling over and over again. Nope, all set with that. Rip off the band-aid and get it over with. Some people say the second year is the hardest, so far I have to disagree. I survived all of the "firsts" with minimal damage. Not to say those special moments are going to be easy any time soon, but I hope with your help I can survive them too without jail time. I am still angry at the "first day of school", I think it's going to be a few years until that one doesn't tick me off any more. Probably when all of my friends kids graduate, then I can stop thinking about it. Although it's kind of silly as I sit and think about it, you were still a normal kid, Summer vacation was awesome and school was school. So, I probably should stop being so angry about you missing out on something that wasn't exactly your favorite thing to do. You liked parts of school (art, music, library, recess) but lets face it if you could pick school or vacation, vacation wins every time. Now you're on a permanent vacation, in the most beautiful place you can create. For you, the time that passes until we're on the same plane will be less than a day at camp. For me, it will feel like eternity. I tell you this, I'm done after this life. No more buddy, when my train leaves the station one day I am not getting back on again. We can frolic in the trees together forever.

Until then my love, I will be missing you.

I love you Goose

Always, always


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