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Kickball in Heaven

Good morning Goose, another holiday has come and gone without you. Thankfully the 4th of July was never a big deal for us so I wasn't too sentimental. I did however make you a party chair:

The photo came about by accident and I'm glad I finally found a use for it. The photo is of you at Trailhead Cafe in Bar Harbor, you just got your lemonade and the hat at the time was brand new. Recently I had to buy a new printer because the other one ran out of ink, and when I went to print a test picture this one came out full sized! Not that I mind at all having large pictures of your face, but really, lol not what I was "picturing" (see what I did there?). Anyways, we had some family over for the 4th and I wanted you to have a visual aid of your presence so I spray painted a chair your current fav color, faux laminated the picture (love packing tape) and taped it to the chair. Then when we would move to a different area I would just move the chair. Nana says that at one of Paul Newman's (the guy who did the voice of Doc Hudson in Cars) the campers do the exact same thing, they tape a picture of Paul Newman to a chair and he gets placed in special spots all over the camp. Ha! I wonder if you've met Paul Newman? Anywho, I did it because while I know you're everywhere, I think it's hard for others to get it and now we have some visual help in that department.

This past week was the start of Main Street Marketplace, and as you saw (I know you were there) I did a booth. Man that was difficult setting that up, I had a good cry about 4-5 times that night. You and I went to almost every single one all the years it has been running. I wrote an article about you, that if I do say so myself was pretty awesome. It's easy when writing about you to come up with awesomeness. I went to our courtyard a couple weeks ago, I couldn't sit down but I stood there for a minute looking at the benches:

This was obviously a fake nap, you hadn't taken a nap since you were like 1. You're so handsome. Sometimes I feel physically ill when I remember that this is it, this is my life now. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, nauseous, missing you more than my words can describe. I see you in everything, because you were/are my everything. Even getting gas sucks, remember you would be all serious in the back seat reading your novels, and your goofball mother would press her nose up against the glass? Now there is no one in the back seat, except occasionally Leia when I feel like torturing myself. Sometimes I just walk around and the tears just come, they well up in my eyes and I let them. I hate that this is my life now. I can't change it, so I try not to dwell on it, but I still hate it.

The only moments I am grateful for now is when I see you. When we're able to be on the same wavelength (literally) and I get a message from you, or a quick "snapshot". One more vivid one came a little over a month ago. I was meditating, it's the only time my mind will shut the heck up. I had been asking you "what do you do with eternity"? I guess the easiest thing to show me was a game of kickball. In that moment I saw you clear as day, by the ocean, playing kickball with another boy. I'm going to assume that was David. Well this couldn't have been a memory, because I've never seen you play kickball ever, and when we went to the ocean it was just us. I knew this was you in heaven telling me "Moose, I still get to play and have fun". I treasure these moments of connection so much, they get me through some very dark moments. When I'm feeling really down, I try to remember that image. I remind myself that for you, I will be with you before you blink, it's me who gets to suffer for a lifetime without you. I'm trying not to suffer Goose, really I'm not. I don't want to and I know you wouldn't want me to. It's very very difficult but I work at it every single day. Everyone says I'm a rock, I say it's because I love you so much I have no choice.

I am trying to navigate my destiny. I have come to realize that your career is not always necessarily your destiny. I also think that I am becoming more in-tune to the fact that we all have a destiny, something that isn't really discussed nowadays. This life was all mapped out before we were born. We cycle around and around until we learn all that we need to, pass on what we must, and then go home. I assure you this is it for me, I'm not coming back and doing this again. Some people don't believe in fate or destiny, and that's fine, lets just agree to disagree on that one. There are too many things that I have seen/felt/been a part of in my life for me to not believe. You are the biggest reason, if there was no reason for you to be brought into my life and ripped back out so suddenly then I will go insane totally lose my mind. I don't think you went back "home", and I'm just meant to do nothing with that. I think I am supposed to do something more than just go to work, come home, repeat. So, last week I filled out paperwork to hopefully open a local bereaved parents group. There isn't one that is super local, just dedicated to parents. I think I would be good at that, leading a group in a positive light. I have a knack for making people laugh, even in the worst of times so maybe that's my gift to the world, laughter.

That's all I got for now Goose, I know you were in the house this morning thanks for stopping in! Please keep popping in, it really helps your Moose out.

I love you more than anything,

always, always


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