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Ninja Star to my Heart

Hello Goose! (Hello Moose!) Recently I've been feeling the winds of grief blowing me back more and more. I was doing ok, but sometimes it's other people who cause me to have setbacks. For example you have gone to the same doctor basically your whole life, and I never received text reminders. Yesterday, I get a reminder that you are due for your physical. Really? Last I checked angels don't need those. I lost it. I called their office to correct it, and you would have been proud of me I mostly kept my composure. All I could think was really? I know you know, you told me you know, and yet you couldn't absolutely make sure my phone number was out of your system?? You had one job! It was like a Ninja star to my heart, my whole day was flushed down thanks to a clerical error, and human stupidity. Yes stupidity. How stupid can you be to let my phone number any where near your system for reminders. Especially when it is a system that was never even in place before! I lost it at work, and then again in public, which I just love doing. But I pushed on. I went home, threw around some bags of rocks to make a new pathway near our garden and got out my frustrations. It's moments like that though, when stupid people don't think, they just speak and don't think of the consequences.

Today I woke up in a funk, but then I heard that funny Straight No Chaser song "Movie Medley" in my head and it made me laugh. I am working on how I react to other people and how their actions make me feel. I can't control anything in this world, except how I react to situations. I couldn't control you moving to heaven, but I can control how I react to it. It would have been so blissfully easy to just do nothing, be nothing, or fade into dust. Who said life should be easy? I chose the difficult path of doing something, making something, and putting your name out for the world to see how amazing you are. Your death will not define you. I refuse. That part is irrelevant. We all die. Not one of us will live in this life, in this body, forever. Nope. So I don't talk about that part, I mention it only so people don't get confused or ask what grade are you in, but that's it. Your LIFE is what is important, you as a person/angel/super awesome guy, that is all that matters. With your help and guidance every day I am growing and learning. I told a friend recently that "he is the teacher, and I'm just the messenger". It's true, being your Mom and your new position of being Awesome Angel Cruise Director (lol, I give you so many job titles now hope they pay you well) is teaching me so much. Not just about myself, but about the Universe, and expanding on my beliefs.

I realize my beliefs are not the same as some, and that's totally fine. Don't push yours on me, and I will do the same for you. My beliefs are what are getting me through the seconds/minutes/hours of this new reality. I love knowing you can still laugh, dance and sing. I love knowing that you still visit your friends here (don't prank them too much lol), and you have made new ones since you've been gone. I love knowing that you have animal friends, and I have seen you deep in thought. You are busy, you are fine, and while it kills me physically not to have you here that is what helps me get through. Ok, so I won't see you get married, have kids, etc. In this life, no. Maybe in past ones I have seen it, maybe you have had children, I don't know. Plus, reality check, not everyone gets married, has 2.5 kids and a minivan even if they live to be 100 so why dwell on that? You can travel the Universe now, you can go wherever you want. You can help so many people, there are no limits to what you can do now. You can help injured animals if they are lost, your new potential is endless. I think when it is my turn, I'm gonna want to sit down and I'm pretty sure there's no way you're going to let me.

The human in me will long for the physical you until I do join you, as it should. My second order of business when I do join you, after a huge hug, will be to floof your spiritual hairs. Not sure if that will work, but I'm gonna try lol. I miss floofing your little hairs. Floof is so a word, it's even in the urban dictionary lol, dear God I hope it doesn't mean something gross. I have started doing my longer meditations in your room. I'm not sure why I wasn't doing it before, but now I am and it makes it more enjoyable. I can still smell your scent in there, so it's very bittersweet. I put your stepping stone out in the garden finally, I swear to God Spring is possibly coming. I made a nice spot for it nestled in near some plants you gave me. It looks really nice there, I think it's Goose approved. I want to make that whole area look nice again, obviously I didn't do any Fall cleanup work but now that time is done. I know you loved the little garden area and I don't want you checking in from heaven thinking "geeze Moose that looks like garbage". So I put out the little decorations, got some new solar lights (thanks Dollar General for $1 solar lights), and am going to re-do the mulch this weekend. I even bought some new plants, including a perennial Forget-Me-Not, I thought that was pretty poetic. I re-did the circle around Red (the Maple tree), but I couldn't figure out what happened to the circle around Bruce (the dwarf spruce). I will tackle that over the weekend as well, the stupid squirrels have it all messed up.

That's pretty much it for today, I'm promoting the heck out of the walk and hopefully we have a good turn out. Friends of Acadia are sending out the award packets for last years Quest, that will be a bittersweet package to receive, and I'll put the badge in your collection for you. I will not be doing the Quest this year. I just can't. But. I know you want me to go back, so I am seriously contemplating a short trip, at some point this year. Baby steps, right Goose? "It's no great shakes, but you gotta start with a baby shake" (virtual one second cinema! man I miss that in the mornings). Ok gonna scoot for now, writing to you has helped my mood tremendously as it always does.

I love you Goose

"I love you Moose"

Always, always?

"Always, always."

Big Goofballs.....

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