Good birthday-eve Goose, this month has been rough for many reasons. May was always our month, we had Mother's Day, your birthday, and my birthday. We would start the party May 1st and keep it going all month long. Now when May approaches I feel my heart get heavier and heavier. Last year I was ok with it, this year not so much. Grief isn't a constant, it changes like the tide, up and down. This Mother's Day I was angry and that seems to have sustained through today. I see people complaining about how their kid can't have a chuck e cheese party because of quarantine, and I think what I wouldn't give to be quarantined with you having pizza on your birthday. Balloons (well we know how I feel about those), don't matter. Parties don't matter. If there is love, you can celebrate even in the crummiest of situations. We had plenty of that didn't we Goose, we had plenty of love. You should be turning 14 tomorrow, 14. You should be finishing Middle School next month and getting ready for Summer vacation. You should be looking forward to High School, and all the AP classes you would be taking. There are so many shoulds. I try not to do this, I try so hard not to be angry, bitter, resentful to God. I try to remind myself it could have been worse. You could have gotten less time. Yes that's true. But I can only be strong for so long. The walls come down, and I'm screaming with tears rolling down my face. Why?! Why him?! He could have changed the world! He would have made such an amazing footprint on this Earth, and it was robbed from him! I know I put on the strong mask, and I do it very very well. But behind closed doors, some days, I am crumbling. Then I try to dust myself off, pick myself up, and say Moose you can do this. It's a cycle. Up and down. I never want to let you down, so what I do is this. I allow myself angry days. I set them aside. I shut off my phone, and I shut out the world. I eat my feelings, and watch TV. I brood. Then once the time limit is up, I say enough is enough, and I'm ok to walk forward again. Everything in balance. Up and down.
I was told by a medium friend lately that your job is to greet children, and you tell them how it all works. She saw you leading groups of children, showing them how to connect with their own parents. I hadn't told her, but sometime ago you showed me this. You were in a beautiful field with children all playing around. I could tell you were kind of like in charge, and looked at me as if to say "don't worry Moose, I've got this". I didn't know what it meant at the time, and now I know. You were showing me your job, your new vocation, you are eternally helping others. Which makes complete sense, you were always the first to help anyone in need. We are living in crazy times right now, and kindness is taking a back seat. Hopefully you and your minions can help us here with that, and shine a brighter light on things.
I miss you more than words will ever describe. I know you know this because I talk to you all the time. Also, thank you for the Lego piece I was looking for the other day. Speaking of, I had bought the Lego cake in the picture to make for my birthday. I couldn't do it. The box sat there and I couldn't open it. I wasn't mad, sad, or anything I just couldn't open it. Then today I came home and said I'm ready to build that now. So I did, and I'm sharing it with you. On the opposite side of the flags is my age, sorry it's so pink they didn't have another color. I've been using Legos in Photoshop projects (as you can tell), and it's become my new therapy along with photography. It's funny when I do something cool, I know somewhere somehow you can see it and you agree.
I'm not sure yet what I will do tomorrow to celebrate you. I might just go outside, turn off the phone, and have peace. Whatever I do, like always I'll be thinking of you.