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Good mid-morning Goose. No exclamation point I'm feeling very low today. It's funny how one event or day can throw progress back all the way to the beginning. Yesterday was the granite couch dedication that your Dad organized. The couch is amazing, it's beautiful and larger than life just like you.
I basically cried through the first half of the day, but tears are good and so I let them out. I am grateful for all those that held me up yesterday, and supported me. I felt like you died all over again, I will probably never visit that couch ever again. I don't want to see your name is in stone before mine. It is simply too painful for me to see all the children running around laughing, the parents hugging them, and I just don't have that any more. Well, I should say I don't have it like THAT any more. You and I are creating a new relationship, but I still miss being a parent. While I will always be your Mom, I am no longer a parent. My job is done in that department, you don't need me to take care of you, you are taking care of me now. Like for Mother's Day, you were able to bring me surprises all weekend long. I woke up Saturday and said to myself "I need to go to the flea market", and so I did. I didn't know why I needed to go, but I thought Goose must have his reasons. So I walked around only gravitating towards what my instincts told me to. In the way back, near a stall that was all furniture, was a box of mugs. Right in the middle I saw this Mom mug:
Which matches my Best Mom Ever Award, and several cards and things you have made me. It was the ONLY Mom item in the whole flea market. I almost left without it, but something told me no way, you need to take that home. When I went to pay for it I only had a $20, it was a .50 cent mug. The lady was so nice she gave it to me and said it was my "Mother's Day present". You are so talented Goose, not only did you make sure I found it, you got someone else to pay for it too! Later on I wanted to go to Walgreens, but I was so busy talking to you in the car I drove right past. I was gonna skip it, but decided to go to Rite Aid. I found you a birthday card (you better not peek, it's pretty funny). I thought, why not I got him birthday cards when he was a baby and couldn't read, why can't I get him a card now? He can still read, it's just different now. I walked by the Mother's Day cards and the first one I saw on the cover was this:
Anyone that doesn't believe in angels is a total moron. When I saw that I knew that was a message from you, and it actually made me smile. I even had a dream about you, a connection not a dream. We spent the whole dream together just you and me. We drove around singing, we were laughing, it was just like before. You wanted to show me how you appear and disappear in dreams. You started to make your arm disappear and I was like "woah, dude Goose no I'm still human and that's just weird". Thankfully you stopped. It was so amazingly wonderful to spend time with you again. I have been able to connect with you, which is still awesome, but my visuals are never that clear. I can hear you way better than I can see you. Funny isn't it, I've always been the deaf one, and yet I hear you crystal clear. It's not audio though like people think, it's an internal voice, not my own but internal.
This is the reason that I have decided to start going to therapy. I don't know why there's this stigma about it, it's like all hush-hush if you go to therapy. Why? My life has been long and difficult, recently I have gone through the worst thing anyone will ever go through. Yeah, I might need some help with that. Even if you haven't been through as big a trauma, there is no shame in needing help sorting stuff out. I would eventually like to find someone reputable that does past life therapy, just for fun but for now this life therapy is fine. I have been angry as long as I can remember, while I have learned to turn that into my "funny side", I don't want to be angry any more. When I am having a peaceful day, and all my energy is right, I have a much higher chance of being able to see you and talk to you. There's a technique I learned, and I create a meeting room in my mind basically. When our energies are right, we have been able to talk to each other in there. I felt you sit in my lap, and I got to hold you. These are the moments that keep me going. I don't do it all the time though, I'm sure you're buys. That would be like calling your kid at work every five minutes going "so how are you?" No, I know you have stuff to do, and you are exploring your new world. Last time I spoke to you, when I asked what you were doing, you said you were "in the trees", sounds about right. I wouldn't mind finding out more about who your new friends are. You said there is a "David" but that's all I could hear. I did a reading for a woman at a class I took recently. I didn't think it would work, but it did. We read each other, she picked up on you right away. I felt a grandmother type person and just figured I would go with it. When I was trying to read her, I heard "pearl" and in my mind I kept seeing jewelry. When I told this to the woman, her eyes got huge! The night before was her daughter's homecoming and she needed jewelry. Her Mom said "why not give her the pearl, the pearl from Grandma", and so she gave her the pearl bracelet from her Grandmother. That was the person she was hoping would come through for validation too. That class was an amazing experience, I got to hold you for the first time since you moved into the "Summerland", and I got to bring a smile to this woman's face. So for all of those reasons, I am now seeing a therapist regularly. She is really great, and is going to teach me some relaxation methods. She understands why I am doing this, and is a very spiritualist person herself.
Tuesday will be your birthday. You have been in this life, in my heart for 12 years. I don't want to ignore that, I'm not having balloons (lol, right I know I hate balloons), but I still don't want to ignore it. Your birth is something to celebrate....I think I just quoted Twilight. Just gonna keep going here, yikes. While the other date in August I will never celebrate, or probably even be around for, your birthday most definitely.
Look at that beautiful baby, how can I not celebrate you?
For whatever reason you were brought into my life, and then went home again before me. I don't know what this path is for me, and that is ok I can wait. I know the word "book" keeps coming into my head, and you have given me some cute ideas already. I am going to finish the book that you and I started, and hopefully start working on others. I have always enjoyed writing (as you can tell), and books are something Goose and I would always go crazy for. Who knows, maybe that's my path. I have learned to trust you and my instincts. I no longer search for the answer I let my gut guide me. There are no coincidences, you can try 100 different ways at one task and in the end the outcome will be what it was supposed to be.
I miss you like crazy, I love you madly. You are my guiding light, and I know my Goose won't steer me wrong. I hope you are having a great time "in the trees", and that you have found a way to learn and grow. I'm sure you have, you probably figured out the spiritual library system on the first day. We all love you, we all miss you. You will never be forgotten, ever.
I love you Goose
"I love you Moose"
Always, always?
"Always, always."